


Table 4

by mabomanji



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Remembers, Developing Relationship, M/M, Memory Loss, Secret Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-27 16:43:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6292171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mabomanji/pseuds/mabomanji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Bucky starts serving table 4 he has no idea that someone so fascinating and kind as Steve will take an interest with him. But he holds the key to his past. Will they be able to start a new relationship or will the past and Steve's "job" prevent them from being together.<br/>Light and fluffy with a bit of angst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Table 4

It was late on his shift when he started taking orders from table 4, clients were becoming a blur by now, he just remembered the table and the drinks, their positions on the table more than the faces that ordered them. He approached the table like any other table, two guys one lady and smiled his cocky smile at them while taking the orders. He felt something like a tingling on the side of his face and turned around.

And there two crystal blue eyes were focused on him like he was the most precious treasure on earth. He blinked under the intense look, quite baffled by the raw power of it.

“What about you ?” He tried to sound light but the way that man was staring at him made him a little bit concerned.

“I…” He saw the long eyelashes flutter once or twice before the eyes looked away, a little bit of red blossoming in the cheeks. “I’ll have a lemonade.” He hold up the chuckle that was building in his throat. This guy was huge and strong, hearing him order a soda was really astonishing but he was all too professional to even react to this. He just nodded and went back to the bar.

And while he prepared the order the tingling came back in full force. He tried to glimpse at table 4 only to find those blue eyes still riveted on him. He could see the other two were whispering quite frantically to the third and finally caught his attention, leaving him finally free of the stare and able to concentrate on his work. He got stared at quite regularly that wasn’t the problem. The thing was that this very staring was so different from everything he’d experienced before he didn’t know how to respond. Usually the looks he got were filled with want and lust. This one hadn’t any of this. It was a look of recognition, of remembrance, something like seeing someone after a long time. It was soft and strong but so pressing it was overwhelming.

When he got back to the table with the orders he didn’t flinch when he felt the stare back on him. The red haired girl was nudging the big guy and a second later after the drinks were set he babbled something.

“Ex… Excuse me…” He looked at him and got lost once again in those eyes. He tried not to recoil and flee under their stare, he frowned a little, still wondering how this was happening.

“I was wondering… Do we know each other ?” This looked very much like a poor attempt at flirting and the girl actually face palmed but the question didn’t seem silly at all to him since he could actually feel there was something going on with this guy. Even though he didn’t know what. He shook his head a little, as taken aback as the man he was looking at.

“I don’t know… I don’t remember you but…” He smiled a little because he could feel the tingling and it felt so familiar and yet foreign he was a bit lost. “Yeah it kind of feels like we know each other though”

The man sighed in relief as well as his friends which was really weird. “My name is Steve” He said, extending a hand towards him and he took it in a split second, no questions asked. “I’m Sebastian but you can call me Seb” He just gave permission so easily for him to use his nickname he didn’t know why he was so confident.

He saw the man’s face lose a little bit of its color but he shook his hand with a strong grip, not too long and not too short, just the right amount of possible comradeship.

“It’s nice to meet you... Seb” He had some trouble using his name apparently but it didn’t feel like he was shy at all, it was just as if he was expecting another name. Well too bad for him he had just this one.

They finished shaking hands right there and then the guy turned to his friends “Here’s Sam and this is Natasha” He shook both their hands a little bit quicker and nodded to each of them. They seemed like nice people but unexpectedly letting their friend do all the talking. It made him wonder if they weren’t just trying to get him laid. But the vibe was so unique it had nothing to do with a night out to help a friend have a date. It all looked very professional, like a meeting with business partners.

He was about to find an excuse to go back to his work when Steve turned again to face him. “So…” He could feel him trying to tread carefully, as if he could decipher his every little movements on his face, like he could actually read him. He had no idea who that man was but did he just feel like he had known him from a long time! He tilted his head, trying to have an open and patient look on his face. He wasn’t trying in fact, he was all too ready to be patient with this guy, he was way too intriguing.

“How long have you been working here ?” Ok strange question that sounded like it came out of an interview but he had strangers. He could feel the friends being a little nervous there. Many looks were exchanged but Steve’s eyes were just ignoring them and looking at him instead. He just saw the innocence and earnest in the face turned up to see him and he couldn’t possibly not answer this guy’s questions, however weird and unexpected they were.

“Well… It’s been six months now.” He paused, watching the eyes that never left his sight. “I was in another bar before, the Goliath, you think we may have met there ?” He asked but already knew they had never met there, it was a test, just to see how the guy would react.

He could see his embarrassment. He was shaking his head slowly. “No… Not in a bar…” He just let his sentence unfinished, lowering his stare and trying to look for his words. He was a little disappointed to lose the guy’s attention. Somehow he got used really fast with the tingling that came with it. “Ok well i gotta go back to work so you enjoy your night ok ?” He nodded to all of them and retreated behind the bar, a little shaken. He didn’t know what was going on but he was definitely intrigued.

He lost himself in work but just seconds later he flashed his eyes towards the table and there he was, staring at him again. Somehow his friends were trying to push him out of his chair and were having a hard time convincing him to move.

He just tried to concentrate on his customers at the bar but looked at table 4 once in a while to see how things were going there. When Steve finally got up he felt that he would be the one he was going to speak to so he told his co-worker to take orders from the room and he remained behind the bar. He felt he needed something solid between them and hiding behind a bar was perfect to let the guy find him and keep working to maintain some illusion of professionalism. He could see him approach the bar while he was serving two girls that were talking really loud. Once he had finished with them he just casually got to where Steve was putting his empty glass. He found himself smiling easily at him. “Hey again”

Steve looked startled, or was it the look he always had on his face ? He looked really lost but so sure of himself at the same time. Strong and fragile in the same man, that was fascinating.

“Hi ! Could I have another lemonade please ?” His voice sounded so much like a little kid’s trying to talk like a grown man it was really endearing.

“Sure Steve, thanks for taking the glass back.” He witnessed something quite incredible. Astonishment poured in the guy’s face at his name and then he smiled the most wonderful smile he had ever seen on this earth. “You’re welcome Seb” Now it was his turn to be surprised. They were using their names so easily and it felt so familiar and yet he had never experienced this ease with anyone.

He smiled a crooked smile, still baffled by this unfathomable guy. He slowly put the glass away and happily turned to prepare the lemonade and try to cool his brain a little. This whole situation wasn’t really extraordinary but the way they clicked with each other was startling.

When he put the drink in front of Steve he took time to pause and watch him. “What’s with the lemonade ? Don’t you want something stronger ?”

The guy settled on the stool and he was grateful for that, he wanted to know more about him and seeing him open to the conversation was encouraging.

“I don’t drink alcohol.” He said and took a sip of his drink.

“Why is that ?” He put his elbows on the bar, getting closer to him, trying to keep his voice soft so that he wouldn’t feel oppressed or judged.

Steve looked at him right away, assessing his new position, smiling a bit.

“I just don’t feel it. I can drink a lot without being drunk so why bother pay for it ? I just drink water and it feels the same.”

He grinned at this “No way ! You don’t feel alcohol at all ?”

Steve had a charming way of smiling while looking a little bit awkward at the same time. He took a note in his head to try and ask more questions that could lead to this reaction. It was very fun to watch.

“Not at all. And believe me my friends tried everything. I can’t get drunk.”

He looked behind Steve to table 4 where he saw the friends happily chatting and stealing glances towards the bar once in a while.

“I bet they did try everything.” He said nodding knowingly.

“And Natasha ? She’s Russian, she knows alcohols illegals in most parts of the world and even that didn’t make me feel anything.”

He laughed softly at this, he didn’t expect the guy to be witty. His tone, the way he spoke was all well mannered and yet he held some humor in his choice of words or the way he emphasized what he said. Steve was still smiling at him when he noticed some customers approaching the bar.

“Sorry, duty calls.” He saw the smile falters a little and then a small nod. It felt cold to move away from this guy just when they had started to feel a little bit at ease.

He tried to serve as fast as he could, looking sometimes where Steve was, making sure he wasn’t moving away. And every single time the blue eyes were already on him, waiting for his look. The tingling never stopped now and he didn’t pay attention to it anymore. He was connected to the guy and anything that came to distract him from it was dismissed at once.

That was the exact moment when he had tons of customers invade the bar, it was refill time it seemed. He started wondering if he ever could come back to chat with Steve when he saw him getting up with his drink, apparently making his way towards his table. He felt a little bit disappointed and turned his head away, working again. When he tried to take a glimpse at Steve again he saw him startled in the middle of the way looking at his friends who were gesturing for him to go back to the bar. The whole situation was funny and yet he couldn’t help but thank the friends to help him get him back. He tried to hide a smile when he met Steve’s eyes and for a moment he just stood there, those questioning eyes riveted on him and he felt the pressure of being the one to push someone in a direction. But there was no decision to make, he wanted this so he smiled openly and nodded for Steve to come back which he did, relief on his face.

Despite the customers that kept coming he took time to welcome Steve back to his stool.

“Sorry I’ve got a bit of work right now…” And as he said this some guy just yelled at him to come serve him. “I’ll talk to you in a moment OK ?” He said, letting his hand linger on the bar in front of Steve, catching his eyes and making sure he felt he was meant to stay where he was and not go away. Steve just nodded and watched his half drunk lemonade, taking a sip of it and making himself comfortable on the stool again, still looking at him. It had felt weird at first but now he relished this look, he wanted to know why he was watched like that and he would not let this guy go until he had an answer.

He managed to serve some customers and he couldn’t hold it any longer so he came back to Steve again. “Busy night !” He could have the plainest starts of conversation but his eyes where so intense it didn’t matter anymore.

“Don’t tell me about it, since the opening of the fair it’s a little bit crazy around here” Just to talk with him felt soothing, he kept on washing glasses and sorting bottles while he was talking to him.

“But you’re fast, I’ve never seen a barman serve that fast…

\- How do you know…” He stopped moving and just kept on looking at Steve.

“Well it shows, you’re literally doing three things at the same time, I’ve seen lots of barmen since my friends tried to make me drunk so many times, and I’ve never seen someone move like you…” It was owe he could hear in his voice. Nobody really noticed about his speed and it had frightened him at times. Tonight it was a valuable asset which let him the time to chat with someone interesting.

“Well… Thanks…” He was lost for words. He had seen through him in no time. It should have frightened him but he felt reassured by that. They had something going on here and it was made clear with that kind of remark.

Silence grew between them and he couldn’t ignore the new customers that waited so he just went away to serve. He let his body take control, his reflexes so precise and fast he was done in a minute.

He faced Steve again, watching his own hands.

“It never really bothered me, i thought i just had a lot of dexterity.”

Steve just smiled at him, knowingly, like it was perfectly normal for him to be that fast.

“You have ! And you’re pretty strong too.” He said this like it was a truth universally acknowledged, like he knew him more than himself.

He looked at him baffled, this big guy with his puppy face was making no sense at all and yet he made perfect sense altogether.

“How do you know ?” And he thought he was going to answer him that it showed and he wouldn’t believe this answer.

Steve took another sip of his drink, choosing not to answer this time. He just smiled a little and instead asked another question.

“What did you do before you worked at the Goliath ?” The question felt heavy in the air, he was treading in dangerous waters. But those blue and soft eyes, they weren’t demanding they were just protective. He felt he could probably tell him his whole life without feeling interrogated. Steve was genuinely interested.

He got distracted by new customers and served them in autopilot while he was thinking about how to answer the question. He made sure he had no more customers and slowly got back in front of Steve, getting his elbows on the bar, closing the gap between them.

“Well to tell you everything i don’t remember my past…” He looked at his hands, wanting to finish what he had to say before he could watch the guy in the face. “I woke up one day in an hospital with my left arm broken and some fractured ribs and i couldn’t even remember my name.”

He finally took a look at Steve and saw him listening with intent, not laughing one bit, not questioning, just looking at him. So he decided to keep on talking.

“Some nurse named me Sebastian and i kept the name afterwards. I tried to search for my past but i have no clue whatsoever. I ended up having to leave the hospital and find a place to live. I chose Brooklyn cause it felt like the right place for me, i don’t even know why. That’s when i started working in bars. I was good at it and i could see lots of people which is quite different from the emptiness i have when i come home…” There he stopped, he couldn’t believe he had just shared some pretty intimate thoughts with a stranger. And yet this stranger was smiling softly at him and nodding like he knew exactly how he felt.

“That’s when you started working at the Goliath…

-Yes exactly” He remembered it “I kept looking for any missing reports and read newspapers from the time i lost my memory, I was sure to find something about an accident but there was nothing… No one was looking for me.” The hurt in his own voice surprised him. He shook his head and smirked “Look at me I’m self pitying so early in the evening, that’s not good for the clients” He expected a smile from Steve but his face was so sad and concerned suddenly he just stopped talking.

“I’m sure people are looking for you” It was but a whisper but he got it loud and clear. The emotions in Steve’s voice were unexpected. And it echoed so deeply in his own heart he felt tears come in his eyes. How come a stranger could make him feel so overwhelmed with just a few words.

They looked at each other then and time was lost. So much emotions passed between them, compassion and concern from Steve, gratitude and bewilderment from Seb. Steve was raising a hand then and almost got it to his hands when a customer called out for him and he had to break their moment. It wasn’t exactly the perfect place to have an emotional link with a guy he just met tonight.

He focused on his work a bit, thinking again about their conversation, how sweet and patient Steve was, how he felt the urge to talk to him even more, to share things he never said to anyone else. He wanted the guy to understand him completely, it was silly, he probably wouldn’t meet him ever again after tonight. And yet he would really like to see him again. He didn’t know how much Steve would want it too. He looked at him and the eyes were still on him, following his every move. He relished the stare he realized now, it felt reassuring to have someone so attentive to his every move, it didn’t feel oppressive at all. He didn’t feel that much alone at that moment.

When he finally finished serving the last customers and turned to look at Steve, he was gone. He felt his heart sink at the sight of his empty stool. He immediately looked at table 4 only to find it empty as well. He looked to the exit door and saw a glimpse of Steve while he was getting out of the bar, a sad look on his face. He didn’t think twice, he grabbed his nearest colleague, handing him the bar for a while and ran to the door.

The night was cold outside and he felt its grip on his skin as soon as he stepped out in his t-shirt. He looked everywhere and found the figure he was looking for, he was walking slowly behind his friends. He ran towards him and grabbed his arm quite unceremoniously, making him turn in surprise at the touch. “Wait ! Steve !” Now that he had him stopped and near him he just couldn’t find his words. Steve just stood there looking at him again and it felt right.

“I’m sorry i couldn’t talk to you much tonight…” He almost sounded pleading but didn’t care. He felt guilt, he felt he had failed him and yet he was just working. But talking to him suddenly had felt more important than anything else. “I wish i could have talked to you more but I was snowed under work…” He saw Steve’s face lit up in a second and a soft smile answered him “It’s ok… I know it wasn’t the best moment to talk to you…”

He hesitated, there was a moment of sweet silence between them. He looked at him trying to decipher any sign on his face which would be an invitation to go on. Steve lowered his head a bit as if he wanted to look at his face closely and that did the trick.

“I don’t know if it’s OK to ask you but…” He took a deep breath, he had asked people out before and it didn’t feel anywhere near as intimidating as this. “Would you like to have coffee sometime… with me ?” He felt his cheeks burn with a blush and cursed himself for acting like a teenager. But Steve smiled at him, just like before, that huge smile that shined its own light and he felt his heart flutter at the sight. “I would love that Seb !” These were the sweetest words he had ever heard. He let himself sigh and smile freely at Steve who seemed to look at him even more closely now. He could barely see his features with the light right behind him but the ease with which he stood in front of him, the way he leaned on to listen to his words everything was soft and caring. He really liked being around this guy.

“Steve ! We got to go !” He turned to make a little gesture to his friend who was calling out to him then turned to face him, a little bit of sadness in his eyes.

“I’m sorry i have to leave now, they’re waiting for me…” He didn’t think he could hear a softer voice.

“I understand.” And he really felt OK with letting him go now that he was sure he was going to see him again.

“I’ll come back tomorrow after your shift if you want” He couldn’t help the grin that appeared on his face, and gladly showed it to Steve.

“I finish at 8, I’ll wait for you” The promise felt heavy on his mouth and in the air between them and he saw Steve feel it with pleasure on his face.

“I’ll see you then” 

He hesitated a second, he wanted to touch the guy to tell him goodbye, grab his hand and shake it or just put a hand on his shoulder. But he couldn’t push himself to do anything and he was startled when Steve softly landed a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it gently. It felt as though he wanted to convey a lot of his affection though they were supposed to be strangers.

He smiled at Steve, letting him know he liked it as much as him. He let him go away then. He only realized just at that moment that tall guys with suits were actually waiting for Steve to come back to the car. And the car of all things was a black SUV that looked like something from the government. He was a little surprised, he didn’t expect that at all. What could that possibly mean ? The guy was a real riddle, he didn’t look like a government guy at all. He couldn’t wait for the day after to get to know him better.

He watched as three SUV went away on the street, with big round eyes.

.................

The night after he was anxious to finish his shift and kept thinking about Steve all day. He took a change of clothes especially for the night and made sure to take time to put them on long before it was 8. He went out in front of the bar, feeling the cold and yet being oblivious about it. He tucked his hands in his pockets and danced on his feet for awhile, trying to look in every possible directions from where Steve could arrive.

He should have known he would arrive in one of those black SUV. He got out of it and let the car drive away and then he was just walking down the street in a very good looking coat and his face barely visible behind a red scarf. He looked classy and cute at the same time and again he felt how perfect it suited him, how it was synchronized with the mood he was projecting around him. He slightly moved away from the bar, taking a few steps to meet him up and as he was walking towards him he saw Steve’s eyes lit up when he noticed he was already there.

He felt drawn to him the minute he saw him again. He felt at ease and so anxious at the same time. He felt light headed and heavy footed in the ground. He wanted to run and just never move.

He felt an awkward smile appear on his own face and managed to croak a little “Hi” when Steve reached him.

“Hey Seb ! Have you been waiting for long ?” His voice filled with concern already soothed his mind and let him see more of the kindness he had felt the day before.

“Just a few minutes. How are you doing ?” He let himself jump back to the small talk, something easy to do and that was neutral, something he knew would help him ease into the date and be a proper partner in conversation later on. He really felt like it was his first date, he felt his hands shake a bit and wasn’t really sure of the way his voice came out of his throat.

“I’m…” Steve looked intently at him for a moment, like he was actually trying to find the proper word to describe how he felt. He smiled then and the warmth radiated from him. “I’m really great now that I can see you.”

His honesty just took him by surprise, he didn’t seem awkward at all, he just felt fully in agreement with his own feelings. It took a lot of guts to be so sincere, he was so in owe with this guy and he had just talked to him for two seconds. What would happen after an entire night with him ?

He stuttered a bit at that. “I… Well… I’m glad to hear that…” He coughed a little to hide his embarrassment. “Shall we go ?”

…............

They walked to a little café nearby where they could seat and talk without being interrupted or annoyed by loud music. They seated and just ordered their drinks, talking softly, starting little conversations and explaining little things about their lives. Trying to rub the awkwardness of the first minutes with more small talk. He felt really at ease very quickly and without drinking any alcohol, that was a first for him. When he had gone out with some people he met in the bar he always drank to ease the night. But he very much wanted to remember everything from this first date. And he needed to make sure he didn't say anything stupid or that he might regret later. But more importantly, the thing that stayed in his mind was that he just wanted to memorize Steve's face, eyes and expressions that already fascinated him, he wanted to remember them when the night would be over. He already felt he needed him close, he felt a little warmth come from his huge body, like a protectiveness and it was intoxicating.

“So...” He tried after a moment. “I see you're in a peculiar kind of work”

Blue eyes darted questioningly at him and he felt a little bit impressed in a second.

“Well... I mean...” He shrugged “the SUVs kinda gave it away”

Steve looked away, like he wanted to find the proper words or maybe he needed to hide something.  
After a moment he returned his gaze on him, intense as usual and still so caring he froze under it.  
“I'm going to be honest with you.” His grave tone freaked him a bit. “I work for the government.  
Well I got that covered pretty quickly...” He tried a smile which Steve returned shyly.  
“I am in a special branch and it's kinda secret so I'm not supposed to talk about it...  
Wow... like really ? You can't talk about it at all ?”  
Steve sighed and crossed his fingers in front of him.  
“Usually... But this is different.” The earnest he could hear in his voice warmed his heart. He hesitated but Steve kept silent so he asked away.  
“How ?” He could feel his hands starting to shiver so he hid them under the table, leaving his coffee to grow cold. He never let go of the blue eyes fixed on him.  
“I know you.”  
This was definite and it was supposed to explain everything it seemed.  
“Well yeah I know you too now...” The doubt in his voice made it clear he didn't understand what was happening.  
“No I mean, I really know you. I know you from before. Before you lost your memory.”  
Silence felt heavy between them until he realized what was being said.  
“What do you mean ?” He was starting to be afraid at that point.  
“I know you since we were young. We grew up together.”  
Eyes wide he couldn't utter a word.  
“You had an accident a year ago on a mission with me and...” Sadness filled his voice “I lost you.” He added like a confession. “I couldn't save you. You disappeared and I couldn't go back to look for you.” His voice was full of regret and so tiny. He never thought he could hear such a tiny voice from such a big man. His mind was blank, he couldn't register what was being said.  
“Your name is James Buchanan Barnes and I used to call you Bucky. You were my best friend.”  
He didn't move, didn't talk. Just tried to let the words enter his mind. After a while, still looking at Steve he finally blinked.  
“How... What...” That was a start. And the sad look on Steve's face didn't help. He looked like he was expecting to be yelled at or cursed but Seb didn't feel that way at all.  
“So that's how you know me so well ?” Steve nodded. “And someone was actually looking for me all this time ?” Another nod. “And it was you.” Not a question anymore. He stared at Steve, trying to decipher a memory on his face but nothing came to his mind. He just felt unexpectedly happy, he could feel a bubble of elation growing up in his stomach. He was found in the end, after so many trials, after so many times expecting good news and finally abandoning all hope it had become true. He felt his eyes water already. The dream he had dreamt so many times had arrived. He felt a faint smile start to grow on his lips as tears started to fall on his cheeks, so pathetic it made him feel like laughing at the same time.  
“Thank you” He whispered, not sure of his voice at this moment. He looked at Steve's astonished eyes between his tears. “Thank you for finding me.” He lowered his head and put a hand on his face to hide and let his tears fall more freely. He felt a soft and warm hand cover his wrist gently, thumb stroking his skin slowly and he cried some more.

The date changed in a second and became like a business meeting with Bucky perusing into a file with information about all his life which was kind of creepy. Photos of him younger were surreal, photos of him looking weird in his military costume too big for his young body. He could barely read at first, hungry for more informations. He totally forgot where he was and who he was with. He reread the first page 4 times before taking a breath to calm down and read it from the start again and actually understand what he was reading.  
A glass of water appeared near his hand and he realized his mouth was dry just then and drank it, never looking around.   
He learned about the official infos, where he lived when he was young, how he fared during his army years and how suddenly any info just disappeared. He looked up around him, returning back to real life in a second, all the sounds coming back to his ears, the conversations, the clink of cups put on tables. He turned his head and blue eyes were waiting for him, expectantly but patient. They looked familiar now after having them turned on him so many times in the bar when he was working. He waited a moment, letting their presence ease the nervousness he could feel inside.  
“Something's missing” Steve nodded and just gave him another file, thicker than the previous one with a huge “classified” in big red letters on it. He looked at him a little apprehensive but Steve managed to soften his eyes even more and nod to him to make him start reading again.

The reading was far more trying this time, he couldn't really believe what he was learning in the file. The many missions he did during active duty in a very shadowy organization which was loosely linked to the army. And he joined it because of Steve obviously. They were never apart for long. They spent months in training, getting to know the shadowy way of doing things like secret agents. It was all too much like a novel for him, he couldn't believe it. And yet he found in the mission's reports every mark or scar he had discovered on his body. Suddenly he shivered. All of this was too real. He felt cold sweat cover his skin and started trembling. Something's was shaking his world and he had no way to defend himself against it. He lost focus, tried to steady his breath, panic was starting to pour in his mind.  
A warm hand came softly up his back, stroking him gently, trying to soothe him. His heart was stomping in his chest and he couldn't make out the sounds he was hearing at first. Then under the calming gesture it all quieted down and he turned his head towards Steve who was whispering comforting words, making sure he was getting out of his panic zone.  
All of what he had read could feel unreal and be easily put away but not the gesture and kind words of the man who was just giving him back his identity. That alone made him believe everything and he let himself be open to all that he had learned in the files.  
“So...” He tried to talk but his voice was raspy. He cleared it before speaking again. “So we've known each other all our lives ?”  
Steve let a small smile on his face, he looked relieved to see his reaction was this good.  
“Yes we're best buddies !”  
He lowered his head, turning away from those wanting eyes. It felt really good to know he had someone in his life since a long time and yet.  
“Best buddies eh...” He couldn't help the disappointment in his voice and he didn't want to hide it anyway. He closed his eyes. He was found and by someone dear to him but somehow it was ruining everything. The little dream he had at the start of the evening was gone now.  
“I mean...” He opened his eyes, looking intensely at the table. “I don't know you anyway.”  
It sounded hurtful and he turned to see the sad look on Steve's face. He added quickly. “But it's like I get to discover you all over again right ?”  
Steve nodded slowly looking puzzled.   
He turned to face him, sitting up straight, taller. “Could we like... start over then ?  
What do you mean ?”  
He paused a moment, taking a little breath.  
“Start something new now... without the burden of the past ? I mean I want to know you. I really like you but... I know you want me to be like the friend you knew but there's a chance I might never remember anything...”  
He let his little speech hit home and waited a minute for any reactions but Steve just looked lost.  
“Would it be ok for you to just get to know me like a new person and put aside your memories ?”  
Steve's eyes were focused on him.  
“I know I'm asking a lot but...” He felt the frustration build in his heart. He had to convey his feelings, he had to, or else he'd lose both his old friend and a possible new one.  
He took Steve's hand in his own, the softness and warmth of the skin made him feel electricity running along his arm from the hand that connected with him.  
“I know there's something there, between us and...” He looked directly in Steve's eyes “I'd really like to know how far we could go with this.” He felt his cheeks turning red. “My past doesn't seem half as real as being with you.”  
Steve snapped out of his focus and looked like he suddenly realized something. He waited patiently for him to react to his words and touch. He saw Steve look down at their joined hands. “I...” Steve lifted his head and smiled at him “I'd like to try that very much.” The elation he felt was so strong and after so many revelations he had nothing left to help him cope with strong emotions anymore. He let a sigh come out and squeezed Steve's hand some more before leaning his head on the table, his cheeks burning, until he rested on the cool top. Again Steve's soft hand rested on him, stroking his hair in the sweetest way. He turned his head sideways, looking at Steve letting him know his attentions were deeply appreciated with a smile.  
“You ok ?”  
He wanted to cry of happiness at finally having a past but most of all at the opportunity he had to get to know Steve better.  
“I think I need to sleep for a week now.”

Then they started seeing each other regularly, in fact it depended on Steve's schedule. Whenever he wa free he came to the bar to wait for Seb's shift to end. They went out in quiet places, little pubs or they just stayed in the bar, just enjoying the company of the other. They talked of nothing and everything, especially not about the past. It was all about them now, what they were doing, what they wanted. When would be the next time they could see each other. This was the most important question. They tried to plan little dates. Going to the pier, in a park, at an art gallery, strolling in the city, spending time trying to tame the other. Getting to know those little gestures we don't realize we're doing, those are our unique signature. How we are recognizable, what makes us different. And someone close knows all those habits and movements by heart. The way he ruffled his hair or tilted his head sometimes like he tried to hear or give time to the one he was talking to. The way he rolled his shoulders when he put on his jacket. The way he always glanced at him to check if he was alright. He thought the novelty of it would wear off quickly but he was mistaken. Every time he noticed his smile or stare he felt he loved every tiny gesture. He felt more and more comfortable, leaning close to him in his personal space, letting his guard down, revealing more of his thoughts and feelings. He had never felt this shy dating someone before, he really felt like a teenage version of himself thrown in his older body trying to cope with the rush of emotions and want he felt every time he saw him.

And then suddenly it all ended. Steve came to see him at the end of his shift and he felt happy as usual. Finding the softness of Steve's hand again, his patience and the way he looked at him. But it felt wrong suddenly. He could feel Steve was a little bit nervous which was cute in a way but since it didn't stop he started feeling uneasy too. There were bright lights in front of him and he couldn't quite decipher Steve's face who remained in the dark. He turned back often to look at big guys in dark suits around the SUVs that were apparently waiting for him. He frowned and fought against the bright lights coming in his eyes to really look at Steve and he could finally see touches of blue and a star and it was definitely not a T-shirt. He knew that outfit, he had seen it in the news but never really payed attention. He froze and his blood seemed to stop flowing in his veins. How come he never realized that, how come he was so infatuated with Steve that he didn't recognize him. But the thought that downed on him at that moment made him almost regret his feelings.  
Steve was explaining something it seemed, about a mission or him going away. His ears were buzzing with the sound of his blood pumping too hard in his head.  
His eyes stayed unfocused, his head lowered and he could just make out the bright star on Steve's chest, such a strong symbol. In his head it was all clear now. Steve was unattainable, unavailable, untouchable. He was the most famous hero in the country, even in the world. The most irreproachable. Such a strong figure for the people. His own life didn't belong to him. He couldn't possibly have a relationship with another man let alone a barman.  
He was horrified and depressed by the thought, all his hopes and dreams were shattered in an instant. He shook his head and took a step back.   
“You're... you're Captain America ?”  
Steve looked at him, hurt. “Yes i am... why ?”  
Bucky shook his head again “I can't... it's too...” and he took a few more steps back.  
Steve realized that being a super hero just broke the possible relationship he could have built. Bucky looked disgusted. Steve clenched his jaws and lowered his head trying to accept his fate.  
“I'm sorry i should have told you i... it's not the first thing that came to mind when i was with you though. I'm sorry...”  
Steve stepped back as well now, defeated. “ I just... wanted to spend time with you but i get it...”  
Bucky was still shaking his head, he could feel how deeply he was attached to Steve and the impossible situation they were in was torture. He let Steve go without looking at him again, feeling nauseous.

They didn't see each other. After two days Bucky regretted every word he said. After four he wondered if he should call Steve. After a week and some drinks he sent a text pleading Steve to forgive him. The day after, clear headed he didn't change his text but on the contrary asked Steve to come by when he was back from his mission so that they could talk. He got a laconic answer two days later : “Ok. Will do.”

Two weeks later someone was knocking on Bucky's door in the middle of the night. He got up, his hair disheveled and opened the door. He found himself blinded again by light from the corridor that outlined a silhouette he knew all too well. He was speechless while the familiar and warm voice of Steve greeted him. He stood without moving or reacting until Steve asked him if he was alright. He stammered then and invited Steve to come in. He was in his Captain America costume, his face covered with scratches and dirt from his mission. He had come directly to his place, it showed how important this was to him. This time he didn't weaken and stepped back when Steve got closer. He could feel the amazing hero presence and again he felt sadness at the impossibility of their relationship.

“You said you wanted to talk ?” Steve said softly.

Bucky recoiled under Steve's look, still overwhelmed by his emotions. He took a deep breath and nodded.

Steve got impatient and wanted to talk about their problem as fast as possible.  
“Is it because i am Captain America ?

Bucky nodded again.

“But i am Steve too, the Steve you got to meet at the bar, being Captain is just my job.”  
He wanted to show his emotions and took a step closer to Bucky who still didn't back up. Embolden by this attitude he gently took Bucky's shoulders in his hands. “I am the same man you met.”

“But i'm just a barman how could i possibly be with you ?” Bucky blurted out, tears falling down his face when he looked up at Steve. “I am a nobody !”

“I don't care about that Bucky !”

“But people around you do care! You're not just a man ! You're a symbol a hope for people, they wont ever agree with you being with a man.”

Steve was surprised. “So... that's why you were so distant ? You... you don't hate me for being Captain America ?”

The answer came quickly. “Of course not ! I... wanted to know you more... i loved spending time with you but... but i thought about who you were and realized i couldn't ever... i mean we could stay friends and that was all...”

Steve tensed his hands on his shoulders not daring to hope for what was coming next, listening closely to Bucky's words.

“But...i don't want to be just friends with you...” he finished lowering his head, red creeping on his face like a bloody 14 years old.

Steve was astonished at his words but he soon found an echo in his own heart, something that was there the whole time but he realized only now. He felt the same way. He was so elated he cupped Bucky's face in his hands raising it and plunged his eyes into Bucky's.

“I don't want to be just friends either and i don't care about what people might say or think of Captain dating you. I just want to be with you Bucky.”

He leaned down and kissed Bucky who quickly reacted and put his arms around him, griping his muscles tightly.   
Bucky was dissolving into the kiss, all his fears quieted by the strong decision he could hear in Steve's voice and body.

Steve broke the kiss a little “I thought you hated the costume ?”

“Oh no, i was scared of the meaning of it. I just love the suit and especially you in it.” He said with a grin.

Bucky kissed him again with more passion griping every part of the costume he could put his hands on, especially that buckle he had on his back, ruffling Steve's hair in an ungodly manner until they couldn't breathe anymore and had to take a break panting and smiling at each other.

“You definitely need to keep the costume.”


End file.
